Y Wednesday, December 9, 2009
This 3 days I was stucked at home. Literally was locked out from the world. Friends called, brother called, I just didn't want to answer any of them. Didn't want to talk to anyone. Just felt that the world was still turning without me. Then I saw Dolly. Standing at my room door. She came in and started to talk to me. Didn't want to say a word at first. But she was the only one I could turn to. I hate no choice. I pour out my feelings to her. 아주머니 Sandy was here too. She talked to 우리 엄마, Dolly talk to me. I guess if both of them weren't here yesterday I did still be locked up at home. They knew how long this depressing thing can continue if it wasn't solved. I just don't know how to face my mother. Seriously I was glad that they are here.Having being locked up for 3 days. I thought no one would actually bother my existence but now I realise who are my true friends and I'm sorry to have make them worried for me.
P.S. Dolly, Michele, Greg, Joel my brother. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for making me feel that I still exist in this world. Sorry I made you guys worried. I love you all.
엄마, I know you do read my blogs sometimes. I'm really sorry I gave up on myself so easily. I thought I could tolerate through out and keep my promise but I failed to. Didn't know how to face you. Didn't know how I can start a conversation with you again. I'm sorry. I will tolerate everything and finished it. Just 1 and a half months to go. I dare not to promise you again cause it also breaks my heart to see you cry because of me. Now the only way is to prove to you to mend back all the broken promises I've made. I'm really sorry 엄마.
YYYY
11:42 AM
11:42 AM
Y Monday, December 7, 2009
Yesterday I got a letter from school again. Never go to school. Got 엄마 very upset and she locked me up at home today. Cried so much and regret so many things that I do. Why did I keep making her upset? Kept asking myself kept crying, but still no answer to my head. Why do I keep doing this to her even after promises and promises I made to her that I won't do it again? Yet I broke my promise. So much I tell myself 'Jade just tolerate, 1 more month and you are out of the school, so simple,' and yet I still can't do it. Now good lors. I receive my punishment. Got locked at home. Can't go to school, cannot even go to work. The whole day I lay on the bed, the whole day I cry. 'What's the point now? What ever you say now 엄마 will never ever believe you.' Broke her heart so many times. Broke her promise so many times. If ever in life I have to say really sorry to.. really sorry as in I mean it, I seriously owe 엄마 a lot a lot. All the hurt I give to her. I always use to say my father is this and that, my father is a jerk, but now looking at myself in the mirror, I think I'm the jerk. I'm suppose to live happily with my 엄마 but in the end, I'm making her more worried for me, more hurt by me, more angry because of me. Every time I see her cry because of me, I just don't know how to face her anymore, regret so much all the things I do to her, but what is the point to regret now. It's all too late. What's done is done. All the pain is already inflicted on her. 'I'm sorry 엄마, from the bottom of my heart I'm really sorry,' I really want to tell her this now, really want to hug her and say I'm really sorry. But I can't bring myself to after all the pain I have inflicted.YYYY
9:00 PM
9:00 PM
Y Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Watched Ninja Assassin with 엄마 just now and I have only one thing to say. 'Ninja Assassin' was bloody~ BUT AWESOME!! (:YYYY
12:56 AM
12:56 AM
Y Monday, November 30, 2009
He is online. Many times I want to try to say 'hello' to him. But something is stopping me. I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I just keep observing whether or not he is still online. I feel like a stalker. This is so not me. I have to forget him.Something tells me that I should talk to him and tell him how I feel when I am really sober and not when I am drunk. Cause I guess he did not take it seriously. But some how I wish it did be like that. At least I still can be myself in front of him.
YYYY
4:51 PM
4:51 PM
